So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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