You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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