VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
