My first STD was from a foam party
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Randomize
