I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
