I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
