K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
can u get pink eye on your cock?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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