What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
