the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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