My first STD was from a foam party
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
