genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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