just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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