Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
