Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
