Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
