just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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