Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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