I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
