you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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