Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I want you more than these girls want KFC
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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