chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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