drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
