just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
