who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
