Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
