It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
