I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I stole a fireplace last night.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
