Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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