omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
