I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
