I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
