omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
