I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Drake has all the answers
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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