good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
