im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
