You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
