i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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