We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
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he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
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Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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