names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
