Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
