Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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