Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
