Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
