So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
