quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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