I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
