I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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