The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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