You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
zippers are such a cool invention
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
