hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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