How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Be still, my beating vagina.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
