We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
