her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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