Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
