Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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