On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
